Peter’s thoughts on light love pain and suffering, part II making it personal

I thought I would take that earlier post one step further by making it personal. How have I made my way through this journey of pain and suffering to discover the light and love inside myself? What is the source of my own pain and how do I find the light?
When I first sought help for PTSD in 2011 I was convinced it was all about my work and the deployments. I was angry, fuck I was pissed! A lot shit had happened on my watch, I was frustrated but didn’t know how to express it then because I didn’t truly understand where my anger came from. I knew what PTSD was but I didn’t know what moral injury was.
It took me many years of slow work talking to therapists, trying out different medications before I found what worked best for me. The turning point was Project Trauma Support. Part that was the timing in my life but the bigger part was the approach that Dr’s Joannou and Besemann had toward our injury. It was here as well, starting with that very first day where we had to present a childhood photo that it really clicked that the injury and pain I was dealing with was far deeper and older than what happened in the Army.
I still struggle with this but I do accept it as true. That is the feeling of pure anger I felt when I was cornered into advising a commanding General against an air assault on a target based on faulty information that he wanted me to support with my own sources thereby validating the target. The attack went through, they missed the target and killed a lot of civilians. It is very hard for me to get that the anger I felt at not being heard was the very same anger from when I was seven years old and was blamed for not protecting my mother when we were mugged in the street at knife point. The same anger I felt when a girlfriend ignored my concerns and told me to suck it up, and later when an intimate partner told me to take it like a man and my wife told me I was to sensitive. These were the same as when I was ordered to lead a night patrol into Serbian territory where the roads were known to be mined, I was ignored when advised not to give life saving information to a friendly patrol in Afghanistan that got hit. Or the time I objected to a hostage extraction plan that was to use the same extraction route as the ingress.
What do all these have in common for me. I was not heard. I had a voice, I had offered alternate choices and was ignored. The source of my pain and injury was not being heard. It still is. This is the source of my challenging relationship with women and with authority, which of course only got worse since I didn’t understand this and went through one bad relationship after another and also became an officer, an authority figure.
After PTS in 2017 my last marriage fell apart, thankfully, I stopped drinking, I quit my job for mental health reasons and pursued art as my outlet. I then somehow met the most amazing woman in my life and am so lucky to be with her still. This has changed me dramatically. I have found helpful healing words in the writing of Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, Herman Hesse, John O’Donohue and Brene Brown.
Now in a better place I dig into the pain of the hurt I feel and it gets easier each time and it makes it easier to talk about. Being heard and feeling understood for me was the key to opening my heart and letting the anger go. Getting to that point happened in large part because of PTS, though it also took a lot of hard work on my part and it still takes work every day. Many days that work is simply being gentle with myself, giving myself permission to go easy if I’m feeling down. It takes discipline each day to continue the healing journey. This means for me, getting outside for exercise, eating well, meditating, practicing art and extending that gentleness to my partner. I know it is helping and I know it’s worth it. I know there is a light inside me that is beginning to shine through.
I also know that each one of you also has that light within. Your journey is your own, but you aren’t alone. Your experience is unique to you but the answers are the same for all of us.

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